Druchii Jokes

[Zoatibix]

Since we're in a bit of a limbo here until we get some more class info I thought maybe a couple of light hearted threads might give us something to do while we wait.

Why did the Witch Elf Cross the road?

Because the chicken came within charge range and triggered compulsory movement.



How many Beastermaster does it take to change a lampwick?

Two. One to beat the slave changing it and one to stop the Hyrda eating the slave until he's finished.



I'm sure, you, my noble lords and ladies can do better.....

[Thrakkesh]

This brings back horrid memories of all the bad Warhammer jokes I've heard over the years.

I'll bring this tidbit in, even though it's way off topic.

A Chaos Chosen walks into a bar, but he passes his armor save, so it's okay.

Also a bit long.

Three generals from the human, dwarf, and Empire races look upon the vast fleet of approaching Dark Elf ships. They are horribly outnumbered and know the battle to be lost. Taking a deep breath, the Dwarf speaks to his retainer first.

"Fetch me my red armor." he says in a gruff voice. "So that my men will not know that I bleed from the bite of their swords."

The High Elf nods gravely, and turns to his retainer. "Fetch me my black armor" he says. "So that when their sorcerors set me alight with their unholy flame, my men will not know that the flesh is charred from my bones."

The human looks to both of them, looking upon both of them with a steely, measured grave. He seems to weigh their words with great contemplation, and turns to his retainer, and says...

"Fetch me my brown pants."

Edit: Delivery is so important to the first joke. Alcohol helps too. :-?

[Nathar]

Awesome ones Thrakkesh. Especially the one about approaching dark elf fleet. You accidently typed "Human, dwarf and empire generals" at the beginning. Didn't ruin the joke, just thought I'd say.

Too long to quote in my sig but I kinda want to.

[Krulltak]

http://img505.imageshack.us/my.php?image=witchelvesij1.jpg Made it myself.

Now all I need is more Druchii pics and I can make more.

[Xurré]

Very nice. I wish I was half as funny. All I've got is this:

What steps would you take when a Witch Elf approaches?
Very big ones.

Ok, so I suck at humor. :p


- Xurré

[svart_lotus]

GW goot pretty good humor them selfs:

"Killing Blow: Executioners are skilled in the use of their deadly blades, able to deliver a fatal hit to even the largest of foes. Executioners have the Killing Blow special rule (see page 112 of Warhammer rulebook."
Dark Elves armylist page 6

Problem is... Killing Blow does not work on larger creatures :D
Now that is a joke! :D

[Zeetchmen]

http://img505.imageshack.us/my.php?image=witchelvesij1.jpg Made it myself.

Now all I need is more Druchii pics and I can make more.

That reminds me of...
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b54/XShrike/ArmorClass.jpg

[Thrakkesh]

Dumb joke no. 2.

Why did the Inquisitor cross the road?

(Important to bark at them intimidating here). You dare question the Inquisition!?

[Zoatibix]

LOL, very Inquisitorial! :D

[spirit]

*Orc picks up a phone*

1: Hey buddy
2: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
1:WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
2: Hey look listen *puts the phone through*
3: WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
4:WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
All: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
2: So whats up?
1: Ah you know, watchin a war, drinking some blood.

[svart_lotus]

Sad thoughts by Khaine
"No women has it as hard as the witch elf.
They go to war, with almost no armour or clothes.
They do drugs and and shower them self with blood.
They pierce themself and do drastic body arts.
They wear pendents made of fishhooks that tear their flesh.
They charge blindly in to the ranks armed knights.
They keep fighting with mortal wounds.
But still, they wont take it up the butt."

[Sybarite]

http://img505.imageshack.us/my.php?image=witchelvesij1.jpg Made it myself.

Now all I need is more Druchii pics and I can make more.


To be fair though, Witch Elves don't get an armour save.

[Krulltak]

To be fair though, Witch Elves don't get an armour save.


Which is good, because at the same time it discourages chainmail bikinis and proves thier uselessness.

[Nathar]

To be fair though, Witch Elves don't get an armour save.

The good thing though is that no amount of strength can reduce this armour save!

[Thrakkesh]

*Orc picks up a phone*

1: Hey buddy
2: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
1:WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
2: Hey look listen *puts the phone through*
3: WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
4:WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
All: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
2: So whats up?
1: Ah you know, watchin a war, drinking some blood.

For some reason, what makes this funny for me is the fact that there is an Orc tribe that, in fact, has a language solely based on Waagh.

[Krulltak]

For some reason, what makes this funny for me is the fact that there is an Orc tribe that, in fact, has a language solely based on Waagh.


Indeed, although it's a much more primitive Savage Orc tribe.

[Kulgur]

More 40k then Fantasy I guess (http://www.lemsite.co.uk/images/OrcTech.jpg)

[Krulltak]

More 40k then Fantasy I guess (http://www.lemsite.co.uk/images/OrcTech.jpg)


Which reminds me....


http://img522.imageshack.us/my.php?image=ballisticsmt0.jpg

A poster made by yours truely.

[Krulltak]

http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=corsairsjn9.jpg

[Mogdin Wrathammer]

A Druchii joke? I got one...

A Tzeenchian ambassador is on his way to meet Malekith to form the Destruction faction. He is being led by a Dark Elf soldier. Half way through the hall, the ambassador sucks up his gut to ask a question.

"Are you a male or a female?"

"Yes", replied the soldier.

I should note this ambassador never made it out of the air ship alive.

[Ceilingcat]

A Druchii joke? I got one...

A Tzeenchian ambassador is on his way to meet Malekith to form the Destruction faction. He is being led by a Dark Elf soldier. Half way through the hall, the ambassador sucks up his gut to ask a question.

"Are you a male or a female?"

"Yes", replied the soldier.

I should note this ambassador never made it out of the air ship alive.

Just as planned.

[Thoden Firehammer]

Alright there were two Dwarfs in Lothern.(don't ask it's a joke:P) The oldest Dwarf looks to the younger and says "Lad why don't you go see of which sex them elves over there are." So the younger Dwarf walks up the first elf and asks "Are ye male or female" and the Dwarf gets slaped. The Dwarf then walks over to the Second elf and asks the same question, and the Dwarf this time gets punched. Well he walked back over to the older Dwarf. The older Dwarf askes "Well did ye find out whos what?" The younger Dwarf replies "Aye this ones easy, that second elf punched like a girl so the first one had to be a male" :P

[Soulsmith]

krulltak, did you make the image, Baneblade, for when your pissed off about holding the line.

[Krulltak]

Alright there were two Dwarfs in Lothern.(don't ask it's a joke:P) The oldest Dwarf looks to the younger and says "Lad why don't you go see of which sex them elves over there are." So the younger Dwarf walks up the first elf and asks "Are ye male or female" and the Dwarf gets slaped. The Dwarf then walks over to the Second elf and asks the same question, and the Dwarf this time gets punched. Well he walked back over to the older Dwarf. The older Dwarf askes "Well did ye find out whos what?" The younger Dwarf replies "Aye this ones easy, that second elf punched like a girl so the first one had to be a male" :P


HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

[Taurth]

Alright there were two Dwarfs in Lothern.(don't ask it's a joke:P) The oldest Dwarf looks to the younger and says "Lad why don't you go see of which sex them elves over there are." So the younger Dwarf walks up the first elf and asks "Are ye male or female" and the Dwarf gets slaped. The Dwarf then walks over to the Second elf and asks the same question, and the Dwarf this time gets punched. Well he walked back over to the older Dwarf. The older Dwarf askes "Well did ye find out whos what?" The younger Dwarf replies "Aye this ones easy, that second elf punched like a girl so the first one had to be a male" :P

I thought that one was pretty funny.

[Mogdin Wrathammer]

Alright there were two Dwarfs in Lothern.(don't ask it's a joke:P) The oldest Dwarf looks to the younger and says "Lad why don't you go see of which sex them elves over there are." So the younger Dwarf walks up the first elf and asks "Are ye male or female" and the Dwarf gets slaped. The Dwarf then walks over to the Second elf and asks the same question, and the Dwarf this time gets punched. Well he walked back over to the older Dwarf. The older Dwarf askes "Well did ye find out whos what?" The younger Dwarf replies "Aye this ones easy, that second elf punched like a girl so the first one had to be a male" :P

*spits out ale like fire hose*

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Oh snap my ale!

[Heno]

A Dark Rider is captured by the high elves, and he's shackled and escorted back to the high elf city, 3 days away, for a trial and then execution (Hey let's be real here).

On the first night while the Elves are settling into camp he yells out to one of the guards "My Horse is the smartest horse to ever grace this lands, bring it here and i'll show you". Distrustful, but curious his horse is brought forward and he leans over and whispers in it's ear. The horse immediately speeds off, and soon brings back a beautiful Dryad to the Dark Elf's cell. Impressed the High Elves let them spend the night and come morning the Dryad is sent on her way, though the Dark Elf looks bewildered.

The next night the Dark Rider pleads "Please, my Horse is so smart I bet it can amaze you even further" and so once again he whispers into the horses ear and away it flies, this time bringing back a enchantingly beautiful human, and once again impressed the High Elves let them spend the night together. In the morning she is turned on her way, although the Dark Elf looks disgruntled.

The final night before the execution arrives, and the High Elves are keen to see what happens this time. "Please" pleads the Dark Rider "Let me speak to him alone, this time you truely will be amazed." The guards grudgingly agree, and leave the tent for a moment. As soon as they are gone the Dark Elf grabs his horse by the ears and pulls it's head down level with his, "Now listen here you deaf , I said bring me a POSSE".

[Thrakkesh]

The final night before the execution arrives, and the High Elves are keen to see what happens this time. "Please" pleads the Dark Rider "Let me speak to him alone, this time you truely will be amazed." The guards grudgingly agree, and leave the tent for a moment. As soon as they are gone the Dark Elf grabs his horse by the ears and pulls it's head down level with his, "Now listen here you deaf , I said bring me a POSSE".

I'm almost afraid of the ramifactions of this:

But I don't get it.

[Thoden Firehammer]

I got it but I think he just tried a little too hard to make it funny ...heh

[Taurth]

I'm almost afraid of the ramifactions of this:

But I don't get it.
Me neither...

[Grrblt]

I'm almost afraid of the ramifactions of this:

But I don't get it.

I think the joke is that the horse heard the-profanity-word-describing-female-genitals-that-sounds-like-posse instead. But I don't know what a posse is so the joke is still lost on me.

[Heno]

Well it's hard to make up jokes, you buggers try :P

[Ardenos]

But I don't know what a posse is so the joke is still lost on me.

straight from dictionary.com:

A group of people summoned by a sheriff to aid in law enforcement.
A search party.
A gang involved in crimes such as running guns and illegal narcotics trafficking.
Slang A group of friends or associates.So far Heno's joke has been my favorite

[Krulltak]

Heno's joke was indeed clever, mildly amussing.

Those who didn't get it are what I call simpletons.

[Xurré]

Another thumb up for Heno's joke... so far it was the one that made me laugh the most. :D


- Xurré

[Thrakkesh]

Oh, see I totally mis-read the whole thing, because I kept thinking of it as another attempt at "Elves-are-" jokes, and thus totally missed the idea behind it.

So yeah, I feel dumb. (Though Krulltak, considering you posted a Warhammer version of the wassup joke, I'd watch that simpleton joke, buster! :rolleyes:)

[Krulltak]

"Wassup joke"? Elaborate!

[Xurré]

(Though Krulltak, considering you posted a Warhammer version of the wassup joke, I'd watch that simpleton joke, buster! :rolleyes:)
I think you're confusing "Krulltak" with "spirit". Understandable, considering how close the names are. ;)


- Xurré

[Thoden Firehammer]

Another thumb up for Heno's joke... so far it was the one that made me laugh the most. :D


- Xurré

Bah! admit it the only reason you didn't compliment me on my joke, was becuase it was about Elves :P ...

Damn'd Elves :(

[Krulltak]

Bah! admit it the only reason you didn't compliment me on my joke, was becuase it was about Elves :P ...

Damn'd Elves :(


Well, techincally, all the jokes in this thread are SUPPOSE to be about elves, Dark Elves to be specific.

[Tiervexx]

Just as planned.

Well yeah...ummm....he was really a witch hunter spy! All real chosen have enough experience dealing with transsexual and/or androgynous pleasure cultists to figure this out without asking!




...seriously, I think the real genius of your comment slipped by everyone else.

[Gloovish]

Once upon a time a fierce battle was raging between the High Elfs and the Dark Elfs. Limbs were maimed, bones were broken and blood was spilled, but in the end the High Elfs won by a narrow margin.

A High Elf was walking on the blood stained battlefield contemplating what has just occurred. Suddenly he spotted a thimble (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thimble)on the ground. He picked it up. Upon closer inspection he noticed Druchii markings on it. "Must have been a lucky thimble carried by one of the Druchii." he thought to himself. He tried it on. He felt some kind of semi-coagulated substance on the inside of the thimble. He smelled it. "Milk!" Intrigued by the mysterious artifact, he approached another Elf: "Look at the thimble I found." The other Elf replied: "Ahem, thats is not a thimble...that is Witch Elf nipple armor."

[Diabolix]

Once upon a time a fierce battle was raging between the High Elfs and the Dark Elfs. Limbs were maimed, bones were broken and blood was spilled, but in the end the High Elfs won by a narrow margin.

A High Elf was walking on the blood stained battlefield contemplating what has just occurred. Suddenly he spotted a thimble (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thimble)on the ground. He picked it up. Upon closer inspection he noticed Druchii markings on it. "Must have been a lucky thimble carried by one of the Druchii." he thought to himself. He tried it on. He felt some kind of semi-coagulated substance on the inside of the thimble. He smelled it. "Milk!" Intrigued by the mysterious artifact, he approached another Elf: "Look at the thimble I found." The other Elf replied: "Ahem, thats is not a thimble...that is Witch Elf nipple armor."

o_O big nipple

To be honest I thought it was going to be a condom joke implying that dark elfs have tiny Ruperts (:

[Heno]

Okay it only midly features Dark Elves, but I got a new one. The punchline may be lost unless you've been following Warhammer for a while :D.



The Battle between Disorder and Order has been raging, and on the field an Elf named Thilden and a Dwarf named Fenix fall fighting back to back against a never ending tide of attackers.

Ages seem to pass, but Tilden eventually opens his eyes and finds himself standing before the God Morr, who has come to shepard hismself to his afterlife, looking to his left he is shocked see a Black guard, eyeing with him intense fury.

"Thilden!" Cries out Morr "You have done much good, but first you must balance the bad, you will spend a hundred years with this Black guard to begin to atone"

Thrown into a small dwelling, Thilden leaves a hundred years never able to leave the presence of the Black Guard, defensless his life is a misery every day subject to the raging fury the Black Guard holds for him and all his enemies.

However time passes and a hundred years later he finds himself facing Morr once more, but with a cry of despair he looks to his right and sees a Hag sharpening a blade and smiling at him. "Thilden!" cries out Morr, "You have done much good, but still you must atone for the bad, you will spend a hundred years with this Hag to atone"

Once again he finds himself unable to leave the Hags presence, tortured daily the Hag is filled with glee that he can never be bled dry, that his pain never ends. Only the hope that after his hundred years he will have attoned keeps him from slipping into madness.

Finally, after an agonizing hundred years he returns to Morr once more and looking to his Left his heart skips a beat, no one is there!. However when he turns to his right there is Fenix, his dwarven ally from the day he died! Perhaps now they were ready to go onto the afterlife.

"Fenix!" Cried out Morr "You have done much good, but still you must attone...."

[Taurth]

Heno's joke was indeed clever, mildly amussing.

Those who didn't get it are what I call simpletons.

I'm insulted.

[Heno]

I'm insulted.

The smart person wouldn't be offended by such comments :)

[Barundin]

Okay it only midly features Dark Elves, but I got a new one. The punchline may be lost unless you've been following Warhammer for a while :D.



The Battle between Disorder and Order has been raging, and on the field an Elf named Thilden and a Dwarf named Fenix fall fighting back to back against a never ending tide of attackers.

Ages seem to pass, but Tilden eventually opens his eyes and finds himself standing before the God Morr, who has come to shepard hismself to his afterlife, looking to his left he is shocked see a Black guard, eyeing with him intense fury.

"Thilden!" Cries out Morr "You have done much good, but first you must balance the bad, you will spend a hundred years with this Black guard to begin to atone"

Thrown into a small dwelling, Thilden leaves a hundred years never able to leave the presence of the Black Guard, defensless his life is a misery every day subject to the raging fury the Black Guard holds for him and all his enemies.

However time passes and a hundred years later he finds himself facing Morr once more, but with a cry of despair he looks to his right and sees a Hag sharpening a blade and smiling at him. "Thilden!" cries out Morr, "You have done much good, but still you must atone for the bad, you will spend a hundred years with this Hag to atone"

Once again he finds himself unable to leave the Hags presence, tortured daily the Hag is filled with glee that he can never be bled dry, that his pain never ends. Only the hope that after his hundred years he will have attoned keeps him from slipping into madness.

Finally, after an agonizing hundred years he returns to Morr once more and looking to his Left his heart skips a beat, no one is there!. However when he turns to his right there is Fenix, his dwarven ally from the day he died! Perhaps now they were ready to go onto the afterlife.

"Fenix!" Cried out Morr "You have done much good, but still you must attone...."

Haha, that one was really good! Where do you get them from?

[Taurth]

Okay it only midly features Dark Elves, but I got a new one. The punchline may be lost unless you've been following Warhammer for a while :D.



The Battle between Disorder and Order has been raging, and on the field an Elf named Thilden and a Dwarf named Fenix fall fighting back to back against a never ending tide of attackers.

Ages seem to pass, but Tilden eventually opens his eyes and finds himself standing before the God Morr, who has come to shepard hismself to his afterlife, looking to his left he is shocked see a Black guard, eyeing with him intense fury.

"Thilden!" Cries out Morr "You have done much good, but first you must balance the bad, you will spend a hundred years with this Black guard to begin to atone"

Thrown into a small dwelling, Thilden leaves a hundred years never able to leave the presence of the Black Guard, defensless his life is a misery every day subject to the raging fury the Black Guard holds for him and all his enemies.

However time passes and a hundred years later he finds himself facing Morr once more, but with a cry of despair he looks to his right and sees a Hag sharpening a blade and smiling at him. "Thilden!" cries out Morr, "You have done much good, but still you must atone for the bad, you will spend a hundred years with this Hag to atone"

Once again he finds himself unable to leave the Hags presence, tortured daily the Hag is filled with glee that he can never be bled dry, that his pain never ends. Only the hope that after his hundred years he will have attoned keeps him from slipping into madness.

Finally, after an agonizing hundred years he returns to Morr once more and looking to his Left his heart skips a beat, no one is there!. However when he turns to his right there is Fenix, his dwarven ally from the day he died! Perhaps now they were ready to go onto the afterlife.

"Fenix!" Cried out Morr "You have done much good, but still you must attone...."

Haha, that one was good.

[Heno]

Haha, that one was really good! Where do you get them from?

The first was a change of an old Cowboy Joke, the second is partly made up, i've probably heard one like it before though :)