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Xander
05-16-2006, 02:24 PM
ooc: Okay firstly this tale is obviously not finished, unless he gets away but thats not what I want to happen, this is the first installment, please give as much feedback as possible, if you thinks its aweful please say and tell me why. Any thoughts on the ending im open to ideas and the next tale will not begin until this one is over. Thanks in advance for any feedback

Vampyre Tales I


The gentleman sat, alienated, lonely, scared, his legs were dangling aimlessly over the edge of the stone bridge. Silvery pearls slithered down his soft face, as he raised his head to the shining stars before taking another gulp of his true weakness; it was a beautiful night to be destroyed. The liquid scorched his throat painfully, just as it was designed to, easing the pain inside, he heard a noise, giggling, a tall woman emerged from the darkness, walking arm in arm with an equally elevated man, the woman was pleasantly plump and wore an exquisite ball gown, which now trailed along the dirt path. She was beautiful, elegant and magnificent, her hair hung lightly in the wind, sitting in a tall complex series of knots and crosses. The man on her arm wore an obviously expensive suit with intricate designs sown onto the jacket, which was a regal blue, as were the trousers, which were complemented with a royal gold line up the side of the legs. He had a bushy moustache and a top hat to finish his upper-class ensemble, well actually he was missing a pipe, but we presume he had put it away to keep his lips free for his drunken partner. The pair staggered on together over the bridge, laughing as they went, the man tittered in a woman-like fashion, but this didn’t shock the woman, this was accepted in higher social circles now. The duo waltzed on past the bridge wandering on into the darkness, the giggling becoming fainter by the second.

They hadn’t noticed him, no one ever did; she had, but not any more. He took another swig of the liquid poison before throwing the large bottle below violently with a barbaric half-roar; the absorbing darkness below accepted the bottle with an eerie splash. “AHHH!” the gigglers’ scream soared through the once silent air, William’s head launched up, and the high-class lady screamed again. “****ing Bit**” William moaned the double meaning before scrambling his legs back over the wall to the safe centre of the stone overpass, he wobbled a bit before stumbling along the bridge and then off down the mud pathway, ten seconds later and he could smell them, well the living one, he could here her beating and broke into a shaky-sprint, following the noise of the heavy thumping heart; the blood was hot and fear was over-coming her. Then he found them, she was leaning uneasily against an old crumbling wall, bushes surrounded the area, a small pathway had been cut through them; now many meters away from the real road.

The woman groaned and moaned awkwardly as the tall man sucked the life out of her, his face buried deep within her neck, tearing at tendons. William looked bleary-eyed at the unique scene ahead of him. “Bloody Hell!”, William exclaimed oddly. The man’s head spun around, a malicious grin spread upon his face, “How on earth did a useless bum like you sneak up on us” the man laughed oddly. William tried to think of an appropriate answer, but his head began aching when he tried to think, and a squeal from the women, who was now pinned to the wall by one of the things fists, reminded William of what was happening. The thing looked peculiarly at William, before confirming his suspicions with a nodding laugh, “You’re dead!” the thing threatened, William smiled before chuckling and nodding a reply, “So are you.” The man’s grin faded quickly and anger shone through a dark straight smile, “You drunken fool, I meant I’m going to kill you!” the man finished menacingly before lunging at William, however the intoxicated gentleman moved faster than either himself or the attacker could have even contemplated. The lunging creature caught William’s rough fist on his left cheek mid-air knocking him to the ground with relative ease. The creature rolled easily away from William before rising to his feet and flicking the dirt off his expensive trousers with one fell swoop of his hand. “Don’t mess with me boy” The creature warned whilst pointing a finger at William. The woman sat in the corner whimpering softly, blood now seeping heavily from the grievous wound in her neck.

William tried to think but his brain ached terribly, he raised a palm to his forehead and the thing laughed, “A drunk!” he exclaimed. William frowned drawing his palm from his head and curling it into a fist. Clambering to his feet William struck the creature, with immense speed and power he drove his fist into the back of the creatures’ skull, knocking the things’ face directly into the dirt. William easily rolled the creature over and took control smashing his fist into the things face, again, again and again, until his fist became numb from the pummeling, the bloodied face still held the smug smile, that was irremovable, but it seemed he had knocked it unconscious.

The females whimpering had silenced long ago as she passed onward, William walked back out along the path thinking carefully and as precisely as he could, when he came to the road he looked either side and could see no trees, he swore and thought hard, “F*** it, l will do it the old way” He muttered to himself before doubling back hastily.

A minute later he arrived, he walked past where her body should have been not noticing and arrived at where his body should have lay, bleary eyed he spun around and saw her corpse was gone, he swore again heavily.

Anaris
05-16-2006, 04:56 PM
I, Official Ordo Mortis monitoring agent Anaris, am going to read this. Tomorrow, probably. I just thought I'd post now to let you know you spelt 'vampire' wrong.

Xander
05-17-2006, 07:56 AM
thanks Anaris im am...eh....um...honoured? lol Anywho I spelt vampyres that way purposfully and I don't plan on changing it. Secondly there is currently one fluff problem, il see if you can spot it? Also i would be happy for your opinion on it, advice and ideas would be very welcome. :D

Willstar
05-17-2006, 08:04 AM
I didn't read all of it but I've noticed one thing, You seem to use William a lot. Why not try a different description? He, the man, the intoxicated man.. y'know.. Just a friendly advice ;)

Write the next part! :D

Xander
05-17-2006, 09:39 AM
Thanks, thats great advice, I can see what you mean, I will edit it when i add the next part, I wanted to try and keep it from getting confusing, because I wanted it to be clear of who was who, I didn't want the reader getting William and the vampire mixed up, but il try that.

-Thanks

Anaris
05-17-2006, 10:31 AM
First and foremost. What the heck does William look like? I mean, if he has peroxide blonde hair, a long trenchcoat and a big metal pole in his hand, say so, even if he shouldn't 'cause it's bad.

Less commas, putting too many one after the other makes for really long, clumsy sentences, a bit like this one is, or at least is going to be once I finish putting in all the commas, there's another one, it's called a run-on sentence and doesn't work, especially for action scenes.

Those semicolons shouldn't really be there. It's like the child of the full stop and the comma, and you don't really want to use it in either of the instances you did.

With regards to referring to your main character, you can generally freely use "he" when the last name that appeared in the text was William's. If not, a good idea when making a character is to do a concept, a little sentence that describes the character. For example: William is a drunkard and vampire hunter with a heart of gold and a short temper. Then, when you need to use William, instead say "the drunkard", or "the vampire hunter", or "the short-tempered William" (the adjective helps to break it up and make it look like it's not just William William William, but remember it should be appropriate to the scene - don't say he's short-tempered, to run with this example, if he usually is but in this particular instance is very calm).

“AHHH!” the gigglers’ scream soared through the once silent air, William’s head launched up, and the high-class lady screamed again. “****ing Bit**”

The giggler, as far as I could gather, was the man, which makes this sentence off. Also, every time a new person speaks, start a new line, for example:

"Hello," said Jane. "My name is Jane, and I am forty three million years old." She grinned. "Also, I believe you haven't met my travelling companion, Bill."
"Evenin'," rumbled Bill. "Miss Jane here tells me you-"
"That's enough, Bill," the lady snapped.

It's a minor grammatical point, but I'm not picking it out just to be evil. It spaces out the text and makes it easier to read.

Look into description a bit more. At the moment, this reads like a transcript of your imagination, engraved on a jelly baby and then sucked until it's vague and formless. That makes it a little hard to follow. Make sure the reader knows where everybody is and what's going on. I'd expand that second paragraph, for example: how did he smell them (because most people wouldn't...)? What did they smell like? Where does this mud pathway go, through a forest, or through the lawn of someone's mansion? That sort of thing.

laughing as they went, the man tittered in a woman-like fashion, but this didn’t shock the woman, this was accepted in higher social circles now.

In general, avoid meta-commentary like that last clause, or like

but we presume he had put it away to keep his lips free for his drunken partner.

When you put it like this, it's very third person. You want to immerse the reader into William's character, so say something like "William noticed the man lacked a pipe, which he'd thought was a staple of noble fashion. Maybe it was to give the drunken easier access." or "She didn't seem put off, even if her companion did sound to William's ears like an effeminite prat."

That's all I can spot at the moment, except for a fluff error. That being that the noble guy in the story is probably the weakest vampire ever if he got beaten unconscious by a drunken man. Oh, and a minor continuity error - William runs looking for trees at the end, when you said he's surrounded by bushes. Maybe add in a line about what the bushes are to explain why he can't just use wood from them, since I assume he's looking for a stake.

Xander
05-17-2006, 12:05 PM
Well....WoW!! That was pretty clear and detailed, I will definately start editing when I get a chance, Anaris I might talk to you on msn about this, I definatly see what you mean about the third person thing and about the new line per speaker. I will try to add more description, I think I rushed it from the second paragraph. All your advice was great, to be honest I was slightly wary when you offered to read it because amongst a few people I know your a reknown 'fluffy, picky and smart-arsed soab', however that was very helpful and very constructive, so thanks....alot, there was so much, I really appreciate it, and would be truly honoured if you read my improved version whenever I post it.

-again thanks a heap!!

Anaris
05-17-2006, 12:29 PM
I'd like to state for the record that my reputation is partly ill-deserved.

Note: partly.

Xander
05-17-2006, 01:06 PM
To be honest for the record I don't see where you got it from, occassionally I see you bieng 'fluffy' and when i first arrived on the old forums spouting s*** one member was very critical, flaming dare I say whereas you were sort of dead on explaining what I should have been doing, so I don't know where the reputation is from...not me.

Mortaivius
06-09-2006, 12:09 PM
Hey there, i see your a vampire fan too. Great story! I was just wondering whether your character William wanted to join my roleplay (The arrival of Mortaivius).
As William is a Vampire hunter (or Vampyre hunter as you like to spell it, which i must say looks pretty cool) I thought it would be pretty cool for him to be Mortaivius's arch- enemy and this way my story can get somewhere as i have only written an introductory paragraph so far. We could even join our two stories together as i really like your one.

Eagerly awaiting for your reply,

Mortaivius Von Carstein
:skull: