Within every warband lurks the constant threat of such idiosyncratic creatures of MMO legend, those who can’t get past the unreality of the fact that it’s just a game, those who can’t suppress the worst elements of their tortured personalities despite running around as a sexually confused elf, or those who simply take advantage of the anonymity of the internet to indulge in pure asshatery. The following ten players are those we would all love to avoid, but simply can’t because they are freaking everywhere – and most of us are guilty of fitting the profile at least once.
1 I’M DA BOSS
Unfortunately almost never an orc, this guy joins your warband presumably because he respects you, or else never spoke up when leadership was up for grabs. He is quiet at first but then in an unexpected act of terrifying speed and precision begins barking out commands in sheer defiance of actual events or other information being given in Warband chat. Like Lt. Gaeta, this guy thinks he knows exactly what should be done because he is clearly right, but we all know what happened to Gaeta.
DA BOSS should be ignored at all costs. His orders are typically idiotic, are making your actual leader want to /ragequit, or are misspelled regurgitations of what someone else just said.
"Lock Dragonwake? Clearly we should all be taking BOs in Reikland."
2 The Doomsayer
A shorter, fatter version of DA BOSS and not to be confused with your warband’s XO, the doomsayer excels at backseat driving and likes to second guess every direction given, taking on the characteristic passive aggressive standpoint regarding the strategy, and also anything else being discussed in the Forums.
With classic guiles such as
‘Shouldn’t we just take the East BO?’ or ‘We’re wasting our time, they’re just going to wipe us anyways, ‘ this guy will spend the entire night informing everyone that everything that he predicted would come to pass has happened. Did he? Probably not. But who knows--no one has listened to the drivel that constantly flows from this guy's mouth since T3.
3 The Noob
Even though your warband leader is giving clear instructions, the Noob is there to ask where they are supposed to go. Not only new to Tier4, but to MMOs, social interaction with females, and their character in general, the noob is oblivious of the Map, mouse-look, and grammar. These guys are obvious customers of Chinese power leveling services and like to clutter warband chat with an unending stream of lols, reports of how many times they are getting killed by the bright wizard, and usually evolve very quickly into #9.
The Noob, while painful at times, can also be the source of needed comic relief if you are drunk enough and, in rare cases, can be saved with patient coaching. Nevertheless, using the noob as a scout or bait is also efficient.
4 Phat Lewts and RP
Some players completely miss the concept of RVR, you know, the part about it including other players. The Phat Lewts and RP guy lacks both because he’s lacked the tact and team player attitude thus far to propel him into the ranks of the Geared Up and knows sporting Renown Rank 20 at level 40 is hardly admirable. He only cares about seeing a digital effigy of his avatar in the main city just once, even if its 10th place.
So while you and your mates are maneuvering in a desparate attempt to lock zones as you progress the campaign, Phat Lewts guy will be urging everyone to go take the BOs next, will spurt expletives when he doesn’t get his gold bag, and will almost always be the dot on the map separated from the warband by at least 2 mins.
5 The Patronizing Cheerleader
Not to be confused with normal positive reinforcement, the Patronizer compliments DA BOSS by letting everyone know what a good job they are doing with narcissistic tenacity, including the warband leader. Oblivious to her overstated opinion of everyone’s skill, she'll celebrate a relatively innocuous BO take like we’ve just clinched the win, and will instantly show a disturbing amount of concern if a player in her group dies.
“I’m so sorry, I could have saved you if I had known those 3 witch hunters were on you!”
The only way of dealing with these players is to patronize them back, or thank them for their invaluable contribution by sending them a stack of Soiled Loincloths, indicating they are somehow tied to a secret Epic Quest.
6 Compulsive Looter
“But it was sparkling!”
Distant counsin to the Phat Lewtz guy, the compulsive looter is not necessarily obsessed with riches and selfish gain, they just have incredibly poor judgement. This individual loots during combat, ignoring the deathly shrieks of his comrades as they fall lifeless around him, will wipe the warband during keep defense, and is prone to hit need on the Annihilator thighbands which will never, ever fit his fat Maurader stumps.
7 Heal
Your commader is typing in caps. Everyone is running frantically towards the keep, everyone that is, but you. You’ve stayed behind to see if you can kill that warrior priest who’s at half health behind the ram, even though the door is at 2% and the semi-circle of archmages is /laugh ing at you. As anyone could predict, you die, and what do you do next? You pound out the five words with your Cheeto- cheese covered fingers that immediately nominates you for this prestegious category.
“Can I get a rez?”
Unfortunately for the warband, you fail to learn your lesson after waiting out the entire duration of your resurrection timer, watching the jittery blur of red labeled characters run over the top of your corpse and slay your last line of defense. Instead, you get caught in a skirmish somewhere between the keep and the warcamp and decide it would be perfectly reasonable to request someone come rez you at your vague location, because you, without a doubt, are a complete heal .
8 The Little Kid
Stealthiest of all warband dooms is the 11 year old kid who, up until the moment when he starts to spam the fart emote and says something like ‘dood wich elfs look totally hawt witout capez’ while everyone else pounds mindlessly on a keep door, seemed like a normal player with average hand-eye coordination and no disciplinary issues (Nevermind that he does look a bit short, green and keeps popping off squigs like pokemons). The Little Kid is only playing as a result of at least one parent’s inability to give up his gaming habit (and possibly weed) for the sake of more wholesome enrichment, so it’s not Little Kid’s fault when he wipes the warband after suddenly morphing into #6, but if he does it again he’s getting an axe upside the head.
9 Screw This I’m Gonna Go Play My Alt
This guy bails every time the going gets rough, and is a double-douche if he’s the warband leader. He is likely to be queued for scenarios even during a Fort battle, and in the unlikely event one pops will take it right as the warband charges the ramp (added effect if this guy is a shaman or tank). As a final touch, Mr. Screw This will fail to leave the party before he logs off, leaving the Last Pick to continue whining about being stuck on his own without heals.
10 The Last Pick
Oftentimes a drunk hybrid of DA BOSS, or a close acquaintance, this guy differs from the general /2-RVR patron in that he uses it to assault the rest of the region with a combo attack of all of the above. This schizophrenic attitude is usually the precise reason Channel 2 guy never seems to make it into the warbands and is, instead, stuck tagging along when he should be playing his alt with #9.
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